


Theta Twelve

by LizzieRimmsy



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Cameos, Doctor Who References, F/M, Fluff, Red Dwarf logic, Time Shenanigans, Torchwood References, Weirdness, complicated mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-22 15:28:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13169817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizzieRimmsy/pseuds/LizzieRimmsy
Summary: The Dwarfers are baffled when they enter a rift in time and space, sending them into another point in their timeline.





	1. Blue Alert, Red Alert

It was anything but silent. Then again, silence was but a pipe dream these days. Ever since the arrival of Aria Harkness, Arnold Rimmer's girl-who's-a-friend-but-not-a-girlfriend, bickering was not an uncommon occurrence. But Lister was glad Rimmer had someone new to be at loggerheads with.

Aria had been arguing with Rimmer in the corridor for over twenty minutes about having to wear a mandatory uniform.

Rimmer held out his arms, gesturing to Aria's normal, unsophisticated, civilian clothes. "I'm merely suggesting you wear something signifying that you're part of the crew. Is that so wrong?"

"Why me? No-one else is wearing uniforms."

"That's because–" There was a pause for consideration. She was right; Lister and Cat wore pretty much whatever they wanted, and Rimmer didn't hassle them about it. Deciding he wasn't exactly being fair, he conceded — for once. "Fine. We'll get to that later," He sharply inhaled an airless breath, and referred to a list he'd written down just hours ago. "Now, on to your nails."

"What about them?"

"They're not ship regulation length."

Her eyes flicked upwards, and she groaned loudly. "Alright, I'll trim them." she said with a defeated sigh.

"Neither is your hair," Rimmer added as he flipped through his notebook. "Either cut it or put it up."

"Rimmer!" she snapped as she grabbed a hold of him by his biceps. "You _really_ need to–!"

"Ah-ah," He held up a single finger. "what do you think you're doing?"

"What, am I not allowed to grab you now?"

"No, you're sleeping with me, it's allowed. In fact, it's encouraged. I'm talking about arguing in front of a vending machine, loitering and preventing other patrons from using it,"

Aria appeared perplexed, as if Rimmer just spoke Welsh after fifteen pints. She glanced around, in search of these supposed patrons, then shrugged her shoulders.

"Now, kindly move," he gently demanded.

She simply took one step to the left, but was still in front of the vending machine. Rimmer's facial features twitched erratically in indignation. He opened his mouth, about to demand her to move again when the Cat came to them in a panic.

"Hey, buds–!"

Rimmer didn't notice his stressed demeanour at all. "Ah, _finally_ someone exparté. Don't you think she should wear a uniform and just look overall official?"

Aria grasped the Cat by shoulders, appearing desperate. "I'll give you that smegging make-up kit we found on that derelict if you say no."

"You said you liked it!" Rimmer exclaimed.

"I hate to change subjects and all, but... all hands on deck! Whirly thing alert!" Cat then sprinted off the way he came and the two dysfunctional love birds followed after him.

* * *

"Cat, I see nothing but space on the radars." Aria said, glancing at all of the monitors, arms folded.

"It's there! I'm getting something out of my left nostril."

Rimmer let out a harsh sigh. "I'm sick and tired of basing our entire navigational strategy on one feline's nose," he said. He leaned back in his seat and he, too, folded his arms. "I'm as much of a fan of his right nostril as anyone, but I've made no bones about my lack of faith in his left. It's unreliable and it's frankly difficult to work with."

"It's not unreliable, sir, it's just that the left nostril is ruled more by passion and intuition than the hard logic which controls the right."

"Still, I maintain we should have that nostril removed from active duty."

Aria blinked rapidly like a cartoon cow, confused as to how Rimmer could effectively remove a nostril from duty. _This was the man I fell in love with?_ she wondered to herself.

"Wait a minute. I'm getting something on both me ears," Lister said, deadpan. "It's called drivel," He glanced back at the hologram, glaring indignantly. "Rimmer, can it!"

Rimmer shot a glare back at Lister a moment before turning away to look at Aria. "You see how he treats me?"

"I know, it's horrible." She rubbed and patted his shoulder to comfort him, even though she inwardly agreed with Lister.

"Nothing on long range," Kryten stated, ignoring the rest of the conversation. "Sir, could it be possible you made a missmelling?"

Cat rolled his eyes; he was tired of everyone questioning his nasal integrity. "Could it be possible for you to grow a more attractive head?" he retorted.

Aria pointed at Rimmer's monitor. "Wait! I see something!"

"She's right — two hundred klicks north. According to the navi-comp, it's called _Theta_ _Twelve_ ," Rimmer stated. He squinted in an attempt to see it more clearly. "It's massive!"

"Kind of reminds me of the time-rift back home."

"That's what I was thinking — a time-rift!" Cat exclaimed. He then leaned in close to Lister and quietly asked, "What is it?"

"It's like a time travel... hole... thing," Lister said, not completely sure himself. He briefly looked at Kryten. "Right?"

"You're not far off, sir. It's a type of wormhole. While one end is connected here, another is floating freely through space-time. If we go through, we'll either end up somewhere horrible or somewhere pleasant."

"Right, go to blue alert." Rimmer said and pointed at Kryten.

"Not again," Lister muttered, rolling his eyes. "Rimmer, we don't _need_ to go to blue alert!"

"Need I remind you all of Space Corps. Directive four-three-eight-seven-two?"

"Four-three-eight-seven-two?" Kryten echoed. "' _Suntans_ _will_ _be_ _worn_ _during_ _off_ - _duty_ _hours_ _only_ '? Sir, I'm not sure if that's exactly pertinent to our current situation."

Aria couldn't help but let out a snigger.

Rimmer could see the reflection of her face on his radar screen; he turned around and shot her a vexed stare. "And just what are you laughing at, mi'lassie?"

"Just at how your command of Space Directives _isn't_ uncanny, squire." she said as she ruffled his hair.

Rimmer jerked his head away. "Stop!" he snapped through grit teeth. Calming down a bit more, he said, "Look, forget it — forget I said anything."

"Don't make this a big deal, alright?"

"Why shouldn't I? You made a big deal about having to look official."

She rested a hand on her hip while the other covered her face, head shaking in mild frustration; she hated arguing as much as the rest of the crew hated hearing it.

"Why do we need to go to blue alert for anyways?" Lister asked, exasperated.

Rimmer looked up from his monitor, glaring intently at Lister. "I would just feel better if we're all aware it's a blue alert situation."

"We _are_ aware!"

Aria had enough of this. "Just–" She gestured her hand toward Lister's workstation.

"Fine..." he said with a groan. He flicked a single switch and the sign at the rear above the door went from not alert to blue alert, glowing a neon-blue. "Happy now?"

"At last, a bit of professionalism. Now then–"

In that moment, Kryten grimaced in anxiety. "Erm, sirs, ma'am, there's just one tiny problem."

"What's that?" Aria asked.

"We're actually being sucked into that time-rift. We'll enter it in less than ten minutes."

Rimmer swivelled round to face Kryten. "Step up to red alert."

"I'm afraid we can't, sir."

"Why?"

"We've run out of red bulbs."

"Smegging typical," he griped, following a scoff. "There's always some reason why you won't obey my orders."

Aria folded her arms and shrugged. "Red alert, blue alert — what's the difference?"

"Red alert means danger is immanent, blue means there's a warning of danger. Didn't you have that sort of alert system at Torchwood?"

"We just yelled, 'The rift is open and aliens are pouring through!'," She shrugged her shoulders once more. "Seemed to work just fine."

Cat glanced back at her, then stared at Lister. "Sometimes the old ways are the best ways."

"Meanwhile we're still hurdling towards that thing," Rimmer gestured his hand towards his monitor. "What are we gonna do?"

"How long before we reach it now?" Aria asked, stepping closer to Lister and the Cat.

"Eight and a half minutes. Might I suggest that we evacuate?"

Lister looked back at Kryten like he was crazy. "What? Abandon _Red Dwarf_? That's a bit much, isn't it, Krytes?"

"Sir, if we go through, there's no telling what will happen to us, or where we'll end up."

Realising there were no comments from a certain hologram, Aria turned to look behind her, only to find he was no longer sitting at his workstation. Her eyes narrowed. "Where's he gone?"

"He scarpered." Lister replied with a jerk of his head in the direction of the door.

With another roll of her eyes, she hurried after him, just so they wouldn't lose him. As she searched for him, she muttered a few choice words before loudly calling out for Rimmer.

Eventually, she found him in the sleeping quarters packing his things.

"Kryten was right," she said, folding her arms. "You really are faster than the speed of light."

"I'm just packing a few essentials," he told her as he stuffed what remained of his Armee du Nord in a hard case. "I suggest you do the same."

"But you won't fit in a box." Aria gazed lovingly at him while grinning.

"Nows not the time for mushy gushiness, mi'lassie. We have to move — now!"

"Okay, okay," she soothed. "Just let me get some things and–"

Before she could finish speaking, they, along with Lister, the Cat and Kryten, were whisked away to who knows where or when.


	2. Almost the Same

Two bright flashes of orange lit up an otherwise dark room. In just seconds, Rimmer and Aria rematerialised. Both of them were disoriented and confused to varying degrees; Rimmer was worse off, staggering around and feeling lightheaded.

Rimmer tried to force his his thoughts into some semblance of order. He attempted to look around in the darkness to no avail. "Any idea where we are?" he asked while he still tried to make sense of things.

"I'm not—" She stepped on an empty aluminium can and picked it up. From what she could tell, it was a white can and there was a patch of leopard print on it. _Leopard Lager?_ "I think we're still on _Red Dwarf_. Nothing's changed." she said, not sounding too sure of herself. Aria gave a vocal command to turn the lights on — nothing happened. _Maybe a different way?_ She tried saying the command multiple ways but still nothing happened.

Rimmer uttered a single word in a slightly embarrassed, disappointed tone. "Ah…"

"What?"

"I haven't appointed you as a registered crew member yet; you can't give vocal commands."

Rimmer then gave the command and all the lights switched on, at which point they realised they truly were still on _Red_ _Dwarf_ — more specifically, the sleeping quarters' shower room. Aria would have wondered why there was a can of _Leopard Lager_ in the shower, but she knew Lister far too well to expect anything less.

"This is the second time I've been warped into a shower. I'm just glad no-one was using it this time." Aria said, not realising she'd actually spoke.

"One of these days you'll have to tell me some stories about what you used to do."

While she loved to share with him about most things, Torchwood was off limits; it was too unbearable to speak of. "I really don't…" she murmured as she started to leave to look for the rest of the crew. "C'mon, lets go find the others."

* * *

Lister had been unconscious for the last five minutes. The sound of his heart pounding in his head forced him to come to. Upon opening his eyes, he saw that everything was flipped upside down; it was immensely upsetting. _What the smeg is going on?_ he thought. Eventually, he saw someone coming up to him, someone with slightly bulky legs and a waddle in his step.

"Kryten? Is that you?" Lister asked apprehensively. His eyes narrowed as his eyebrows pulled together.

"Mr Lister?" He rushed over to him. "Are you alright?"

"I don't think so, man," he replied, his voice somewhat sped up from panic. "I don't like this. Everything is upside down in this universe, even you!"

"Er, sir, nothing is upside down except for you."

"You wha?" Despite being dubious, Lister glanced down at his feet. Somehow when he arrived, his legs got caught in between the guard railings for the stairs. "How the smeg did that happen?"

Kryten hurried to help him as best as he could. He he pulled him by the arms multiple times; each time Lister would let out a groan that got louder with each tug. Finally, after many wrenches, as well as an apology and a fair warning that left the scouser confused, with one swift yank Lister was freed. He landed flat on his back with a loud thud.

Kryten grimaced at the noise, feeling every bit of pain Lister felt. "I did warn you, sir."

As he got up he dusted himself. "Yeah. Cheers, Krytes," he muttered. He looked around the area perplexed, then a look of recognition donned on his face. "Hang on, this isn’t another universe. We’re still on _Red Dwarf_."

"Indeed, sir. I’m curious as to what changed."

Lister shrugged. "Looks the same to me."

"Well, yes, the ship is the same, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that something else hadn’t changed. Something more subtle."

Nodding in agreement, and still observing the room, he said, "Suppose you’re right."

"I suggest we go and look for the others. I pray they’re not in any danger."

They heard a rustling just a few feet away, then a groan. 

"Cat? Is that you?"

Another groan. Lister got Kryten’s attention and gestured to the scource of the sound. Through the near pitch blackness, they made out that it was Cat; he laid on the ground, flat on his backside. 

"Are you okay, sir?"

Moaning in agony, he mumbled, "It’s horrible, bud."

Lister leaned in closer to hear him better. "What is?"

"Really horrible."

" _What?_ "

Barely intelligible from sobbing, Cat replied, "My hair! My amazing hair!"

 _Oh, you’ve gotta be kiddin’ me_ , Lister thought, shaking his head. "Get the smeg up."

He griped, "Alright, okay," In the middle of dusting off his nice suit and preening himself, he realised two of their members were missing. "Where's Lady Bud and Goal-post Head?"

Lister shrugged and replied, "Dunno, but they have to be 'ere somewhere."

* * *

That somewhere was F-deck, corridor twelve. And, as per usual, they bickered the entire way through, arguing about getting into this mess.

"How's it my fault?!" Aria demanded, voice echoing throughout the corridor.

He speared her with another glare. "Your nose was squeaking! Had I been able to hear myself think, I would've gotten us out of that!"

"Well, sorry my allergies were screwing up you big plans, _Ace_!" she retorted, adding a sneer to his alter ego's name.

" _Ace_?!" he echoed, screaming loudly and sneering in the same way she had. Boiling with fury, he ground his teeth and clenched his jaw so tight, it hurt.

"You heard!" She skewered him with an unflinching look.

"I can't _believe_ that after I told you not to use that name, you'd–!" A sudden burst of a harsh, airless exhale left him, and he began to hyperventilate. "I can't breathe." he said, quavering and clutching his chest.

"Oh, god," she muttered; a groan accompanied the roll of her eyes. Aria placed her hands on her hips. "You always do this when we argue."

"That's because arguing always stresses me out!" Rimmer blurted as quickly as he could through struggled breathing.

"We _wouldn't_ argue if you weren't as uptight as a Duchess on the tube!" The more she stared at him, the more concerned she became. Normally, he'd calm down within seconds, but this time it seemed to continue on. Grudgingly, she laid a hand on his bicep and gently rubbed it. "I'm sorry."

"Don't smegging touch me!" He straightened up, suddenly looking as proper as the officer he never could be, but still immensely upset. " _Sorry_? Is that supposed to make me feel better? 'You're sorry'?!"

Swiftly, she pulled her hand away. In affront, she scoffed and held her arms out at either side. "Fine, I'm not sorry! And y'know what I'm gonna do now?"

"What?" he barked in answer.

"This!" She began singing almost deafeningly, creating more obnoxious noises — and it only got worse in time.

Rimmer winced and covered his ears, but it didn't work. He still heard the harsh la-la-la's of her near nasal voice. Having no choice but to be louder than she was, he screamed, "WILL YOU SHUT UP?!"

"No, I shan't." she calmly replied, then went right back to it, closely approaching 'a child hopped up on sweets' levels of annoying.

The others didn't have to look too hard for them. Their shouting and ranting could be heard through the non-soundproof walls of the ship; and from the sounds of it, they were just above the rest of them. Once they arrived on F-deck, they realised they were in the right place. Rimmer and Aria stood twenty feet away from them, gesturing angrily and yelling. It was nothing new.

Lister attempted to grab their attention, but it was no use. They couldn't hear him. Then he did something — something rare — he raised his voice. " _KNOCK IT_ _OFFF!!_ " he shouted, emphasising each word.

Both of them spun around to face Lister and stopped arguing instantly, still scowling but at him rather than each other. Over time, Rimmer’s glare shifted back to Aria.

Leering at her, he said, "Maybe they heard your nose."

With a glare as cold as the North Pole, and rather than hurling a slew of obscenities, she drew back her tightly clenched fist. Just as she was about to swing, Kryten stopped her.

"Please, ma’am, violence is never the answer."

She jerked her arm away from Kryten’s rubber hand. "Y’know, in the twenty months you’ve known me, Kryten, I’m surprised you still don’t know me enough to know I disagree with that statement."

"Now that everyone’s here," Cat started, glancing at everyone. "can we get to working out what the hell’s going on?"

As she scanned the area with her eyes, she replied, "Considering we were in deep space when we went through, and considering the fact that the ship is still intact and no alarms are going off, we can assume we are still in deep space, safe and sound."

"Something still doesn’t smell right." Cat wandered further down, sniffing the air.

They followed him through the corridor, into a lift and down to B-deck. Down even further was their now engineer robot who was once a snack dispenser, SNACKY. He stood by the stasis booths, fiddling with the control pad on the wall. Every one of them stared curiously, watching him.

Finally, he spun around and saw them there. "Oh! Hello, sirs, miss," he greeted in his adenoidal, high-pitched voice. He then turned to face Lister. "Dave, I was just about to head up to your quarters to tell you, I started the RP."

Lister’s face scrunched up, looking as confused as a goat on AstroTurf. "RP? What for?"

"Your friend, sir. Don’t you remember?"

"And who might this ‘ _friend_ ’ be?" Rimmer wondered, now standing with his arms folded.

"There’s no name, but the ident says it’s a female, early thirties and five foot five."

Lister’s brown eyes widened, jaw dropping. He felt his heart flutter, his hopes grew immensely high, though he still didn’t believe it. "No way." he mumbled.

"What?" Aria’s eyes flicked from Lister to Rimmer. "What is it?"

"It can’t be!" the Cat exclaimed, jumping on the disbelief train.

"Can’t be what??"

"No smegging way. It’s not her."

She outstretched her arms; she became just as annoyed as Rimmer would whenever he’d feel ignored, so much so that the likeness was uncanny. "Would someone tell me what the hell is going on?!"

Rimmer appeared decidedly disgusted, and in an instant became resentful. "Oh, God," he managed as he swallowed a sick feeling. "Not… _her_."

Kryten was not at all pleased with the news either. In fact, he was taking it the hardest and was about to go, as Aria would call, ‘super sonic’ again. "Oh, this is just– Just–  _Awful_!" His voice falsettoed.

"Guys? Who are we talking about?"

They replied in unison, "Kochanski." Lister and Cat were more enthusiastic about possibly seeing her again, while Kryten and Rimmer were undoubtedly dreading it. Neither of them could ever get over the woman who almost replaced them.


	3. The Girl, the Jealous and the Strange

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long to get this posted. I've must have rewritten it a good dozen times before I finally got it right.  
> Special thanks to Cazflibs for helping me with the joke about the Welsh language. Was really struggling with that one.

Aria stood at the front of the kitchenette table, eyeing the boys dubiously as they sat before her. Her hands were positioned palm down on the table. "Kochanski?" she echoed. " _Kristine_ Kochanski? I thought she took off."

"She did…" Lister's shoulders dropped with a sigh. He stared at the floor, inwardly reminiscing about their moments together, good and bad.

Toward the end, things became rough for them, but he never imagined her leaving while he was blackout drunk. He never imagined her staying, either. Not while _her_ Dave Lister was still out there, waiting for her safe return. 

"How come she's here, then?" she asked, shrugging with her arms outstretched. 

"What if it was the time-rift?" Rimmer stood up, then started pacing, thinking. "What if we jumped into a dimension where she exists?" 

Aria shook her head. "A time-rift only sends things backwards or forwards through time, not dimensions." 

Lister tapped his chin, his forefinger fitting perfectly in his cleft. "Maybe that's our answer." Without another word, he shot up and hurriedly left. 

The rest of them followed suit, heading toward his and Rimmer's sleeping quarters. Bob the skutter sped out of Lister's way, narrowly missing being tripped on; even his curiosity was piqued. Bob rolled after them a short distance before making a full stop, then made a one-eighty turn and followed them into the sleeping quarters.

Lister picked up a calendar and stared at it with gradually widening eyes. _Holy smeg!_  "Look at this," Lister showed them the date, according to ship's computer. "September the nineteenth. We went ahead five months!"

" _Five_ _months?!_ " Cat repeated incredulously. He quickly whipped out his mirror to see if he had aged any. 

Lister rolled his eyes. "How can one guy be so vain?" 

"Sir, saying that Mister Cat is vain is like saying Mount Vesuvius was a little loud."

Aria still kept her eyes on the date, almost too deep in thought to pay attention. She slightly shook her head. "Guess we must've gone to a point where we found her and brought her on the ship," she mused. "but why is she in stasis?" 

Rimmer folded his arms. "Let me get this clear in my head," he began, completely ignoring Aria’s question; he had no decent answer, regardless. How could he when he and everyone else had no idea what the smeg was going on? "At some point in the future, we go and rescue Princess Peach?" Rimmer’s voice was laced with irritation, emphasising the last two words. "What's next — are we going to ride little green dinosaurs and interact with mushroom people?"

"Green dinosaurs and mushroom people?" The corners of Lister’s mouth twitched in a brief smirk. "Sounds like a really bad drug trip to me, man. What are you on about?"

"Forgive me for correcting you, sir," Kryten began. "but I believe that Mister Rimmer is referring to the popular video game, _Super Mario Brothers_."

"I know!" Lister exclaimed, on the defensive. It was a lie. He'd never even heard of it until then. "I'm just saying, that's all."

"Wasn't this Peach bimbo a blondie?" the Cat wondered, not giving a damn about his poorly chosen vocabulary; it was a video game character after all. "SNACKY said this chick had brown hair."

"Well, which one was the brunette, then?" 

"Who cares?" Lister was becoming more and more exasperated by the second. 

While Aria stood with her chin resting on her index finger and thumb, she flatly replied, "Daisy." 

Rimmer snapped his fingers. "Right, I meant that one." 

Lister waved away their words like they were mosquitos. "Look, whatever. We've got Krissy back, that's all that matters," He turned his attention to Kryten. "How long did the timer have left on the RP, Krytes?" 

"Right around twenty-four hours, sir."

"Ah, smeg! I've gotta get ready!" Lister frantically began cleaning up the sleeping quarters.

Almost imperceptibly, Rimmer shook his head. _The only time I've seen him move that quickly is when has to rush to the loo after a bad curry_ , he thought. A snort of derision escaped his flared nostrils. "Yes, the sooner you finish, the sooner you can get on your back and finish again. Am I right, Listy?" 

Kryten let out a surprised gasp, unable to believe he said it with a woman present. "Sir–!"

Lister threw his socks in the laundry bin, pretending the bin was Rimmer's mouth. "Smeg off, Rimmer!"

"Alright, alright. All joking aside, I hope it goes well," He gave him a sideways glance, slightly smirking. "You do remember where things go, right?" 

"You wot? Rimmer, I've made it with women way more times than you–" 

Rimmer vehemently shook his head at Lister, then gave him a zipping mouth gesture as he had an icy glare plastered on his face.

Lister still continued regardless. "–and _you're_ asking _me_ if I remember where things go?" 

He moved his elbow to scratch an imaginary itch in the crook of his arm; anything to avoid keeping direct eye contact with Aria. Before speaking cleared his throat, like he was clearing his embarrassment. "Ignore him." he told her.

Aria stopped them there, saving Rimmer from further humiliation. "Right, that's it. Clearly, you two can't be in the same room. Lister, you and Kryten deal with this Kochanski business. Cat—" She hitched her breath long enough to think of what use the Cat would be; she didn't have to think for very long. "That is a lush outfit, that is." she eventually said in her thick Southern Wales accent, pointing at his Rivera Kid-esque burgundy coloured suit with a lavish fur-trimmed coat.

Cat looked at her as if she was crazy, standing with his hands upon his hips. "Of course it is! On anyone else, this would look like garbage, but on me?" He scoffed. "I make this look good!"

Her eyes flicked upward, letting out a frustrated breath. Beyond that, nothing out of her mouth would've sounded like a legitimate compliment — not that it was genuine to begin with — so she left it there, then left the room. Rimmer trailed after her, like a hound hoping for table scraps.

* * *

The pair went into Aria's quarters, a literal picture from the magazine, _I Love the Eighties_. Kryten and the skutters made sure she felt at home here. Everything from a Memphis style bed sheet set with a duvet, to Keith Haring artwork on the walls. In a bright blue bookcase that held anything but books was a rubrics cube, hundreds of music discs, all of John Hughs' films, a glass vase with fake roses inside it, and a GameBoy with only three games. 

That wasn't to say there was nothing from the nineties mixed in; her set of Spice Girl dolls took pride of place on the very top of the bookcase, and over the headboard was a long poster of the original one hundred and fifty-one Pokémon. Aria truly was a child, and she had no shame in displaying it.

However, upon entering, she noticed that amongst her angular, neon coloured decor was quite a few of Rimmer's belongings; the odd picture of a chimp eating a banana on a toilet, Rimmer's various books on astronavigation, his teddy bear, Patton, which sat nicely on her bed between the pillows, and his horrible, migraine-inducing music collection mingled with hers.

Her eyes trailed from his records to the hologram himself. "Did you move in?" 

"Suppose I must have." He picked up his diary and looked at it a moment before setting it back down.

Nearly imperceptible, she shook her head. _What else happened around here?_ she wondered to herself. A breath slipped through her lips. She loved him but was by no means ready to live with him.

Thumbing through his James Last and Reggie Wilson music discs, she grabbed one of her favourites — Cocteau Twins' album, _Heaven or Las Vegas_ — and played it on the stereo.

He watched her, almost in a trance as she embodied the movements of Stevie Nicks. It was really the only way one could strut their funky stuff to Cocteau Twins. Rimmer picked up the compact disc case and examined it. _How on Io are you supposed to understand this din?_

He flipped through the pages of the booklet before his eyes wandered, gazing at the doorway longingly as he tapped the case back and forth between his middle finger and thumb. While the music did wonders at calming her down, Rimmer still felt immensely irritated and hurt. The lights in and out of her room flickered furiously, resentfully. Rimmer's features twitched just as bad, almost in sync with the flickers.

She abruptly stopped dancing, her eyes moving from bulb to bulb, eventually landing on Rimmer. _Oh, God. Not this again,_ she thought, worried for the hologram's life. "Are you okay?"

He worked up one of those smiles the simple-minded get for no particular reason. "Couldn't be better." he forced out through scarcely moving lips.

"Don't lie to me. You're jealous, aren't you?" Her words seemed to make him even more agitated.

Rimmer violently shook his head, insistent that she didn't have him pegged as a bitter, envious and possessive smeghead — which he was. "What? No, you're wrong. Wrong, wrong, absolutely brimming over with wrongability!"

"Oh, right. Sure," she said, nodding and giving a feigned look of certainty. She gesticulated toward the centre of him, where his light bee was located. "And I suppose that uncontrollable buzzing is a normal occurrence?"

Heat crept into his cheeks, and despite the fact she could clearly see and even hear that it was bothering him, he still he denied it. "I don't know what you're talking about." 

"Yes, you do. You buzz when you're upset. Not to mention the lights…  _and_ that." She pointed at his chest, now furiously glowing in and out like an angry lightning bug.

Rimmer looked down at his light bee, snarling and inwardly cursing at it for not saving him just a little bit of dignity and grace. No, instead, it had to make him look like the resentful man he truly was.

He said nothing at first, just stared blankly at her while he chewed on the inside of his mouth. _Jealous? Why should I be jealous?_ All of a sudden he broke out into a rant, his words tumbling from his lips like loose pebbles bent on disturbing still waters. "You want to know why?! Because he never once made an effort for me! You saw what he was doing for that…  _harpy_!"

"I know," She reached out and rubbed his bicep. "but you need to–"

"He's probably in there now, dressing to the nines for her! And what do I get? El Dirtball, that's what!" Rimmer carried on without a beat.

At that point, the bulbs inside and outside were glowing brighter and brighter by the second, emitting a hum that started out soft but became louder as his ranting continued until Aria slapped her hand over his mouth, forcing him to stop.

"Arnie," she softly began. "you _have_ to calm down. You're going to relapse at this rate,"

After restoring himself, he had been clear of rampancy for months; his uncontrollable, rage-filled fits and psychotic breakdowns had stopped, at the cost of appearing as he did eleven years ago. But non-stop resentment attacks could set it off all over again.

She removed her hand from his mouth and placed it firmly on his shoulder. "Alright?" 

Hesitantly, he nodded and exuded a quavering breath as he tried to relax. An anxious tongue slipped out to wet his lips, then he began speaking quickly. "Right. No, you're right. I'm sorry. I'm better now." 

 _Somehow I doubt that,_ she inwardly said. She mustered up a nervous smile, then grazed his bicep one last time with the tips of her fingers. "Fancy a diod?" she asked as she headed to the mini fridge.

His nose scrunched, upper lip slightly pulling upward in confusion. "A what?" 

"It's Welsh. It means 'drink'." 

"Why didn't you just say that instead? If I wanted a lesson in Welsh, I'd copy the Cat as he hacks up a hairball." he said with a sneer; disdain laced his voice. 

She rolled her eyes. "Yes, alright. D'you want one or not?" she asked indignantly. 

He slightly pouted as he thought for a moment. Despite shaking his head no, he replied, "I suppose one wouldn't hurt."

The fridge door opened with a high-pitched creak. She took out a bottle of whisky, grabbed a tumbler and filled it nearly to the brim. Moving carefully so she wouldn't spill the drink, she went back over to him and handed him the glass.

He gave it a leery grimace. Pure whisky, no mixers; history told him that this was not going to end well. Regardless, he took a sip and felt a burning sensation, starting from his mouth all the way to his hologrammatic stomach. He winced as he gulped, and prayed it wouldn't come back up. 

Aria moved away. As she grabbed a rubber ball, she flopped down on the beanbag chair near her bed. She threw the ball into the air and caught it a few times before suddenly stopping. In that moment, something about Rimmer had caught her attention; she saw his stomach glow for a second, but nothing like what she had seen before. It was different; it was less of a resentful glow and more of a gentle, soft one. Rimmer was still too focused on Lister and Kochanski to notice it himself.

 _Maybe it's just the alcohol_ , she thought. _Or maybe…_  If all her years at Torchwood had taught her anything, it was that she shouldn't dismiss anything just because it was seemingly impossible.

She got to her feet and sidled up next to him. Her brows furrowed as she tried to get a better view of the hologram. "Can you turn to the side for me?" 

He arched his eyebrow and stared at her like she had gone space crazy. "Why?" he asked.

"Just…" She moved her finger in the air in a half circle. When Rimmer didn't move, she took him by the shoulders and forced him to turn. She leaned in closely to his abdomen, staring intently at it as if she expected it to glow again. After straightening herself up, she pinched his puffy quilted jacket. She thought maybe it was just the padding of it. "Take this off, will you?" she implored.

This time he didn't question it. Instead, he obliged her; with a silent command given, it dissolved. A somewhat tight red tee shirt and black suspenders remained.

While he may have abided by her demand, he still had complaints. "Unless you're trying to fit me for some asinine uniform as retribution for making you look official, I don't see what the point of this is."

"I'm just…" Her words came as flat and detached as a bored student at an American History class. Once more, she examined his stomach, touching and even gently poking it.

"Hey!" He slapped her hand away in reaction. "What on Io do you think you're doing?" He started glowing again. This time he finally saw it. He clutched his belly and alarmingly gawked at it. 

Swiftly, she plucked his glass away and plonked it on the table, causing some whisky to splash out the sides. She then grabbed a hold of Rimmer's hand and yanked him away from his position. "Come on! We've gotta go!"

"Go where? What's wrong?" He let out a yelp when she pulled him along, bolting out of the room and heading to the nearest lift.

* * *

Across the corridor, Lister was futilely trying to look his best, showing off all of his least smeggy clothes to the Cat and Kryten. He wore a snazzy tux, with long coattails whipping about the air like streamers. He whirled about like some ballerina with all the grace of a drunken hippo, then he stopped to let them judge.

"Whatcha think?" he asked, holding out his arms.

Thinking, the Cat held his forefinger just above his upper lip while the rest of his fingers cradled his chin. "Maybe try a different bow tie." he said, pointing at it with his other hand.

He yanked the red bow tie he had off, then put on a white one. "Better?" 

Kryten gave him a thumbs up. "Might I say you look dashing, sir." 

"Why are you even helping, Krytes? I thought you didn't like her."

"Oh, I don't, sir. Quite frankly, I never thought she was ever good enough for you," he said with no remorse. "but helping you is keeping me from starting the fifty-yard to-do list Mister Rimmer wants me to complete before tomorrow evening. So if you could just… go a bit slower, sir." His rubber hand reached out to give him a white handkerchief to place in his breast pocket. 

Lister plucked it from his hand. "I'll go at the speed of dark, then, shall I?" he retorted, shooting him an indignant glare as he stuffed it in his pocket.

"I'm curious," Cat began, out of the blue. "How do we know it's even her? There's bound to be dozens of chicks that fit that description."

Kryten nodded. "Thousands, as a matter of fact, sir — that's not including the women who've dyed their hair brunette. Even Miss Harkness matches the description."

"You sayin' we found another version of Ari?" Lister asked.

"I'm only stating that it could be anyone, sir."

"It's Krissy, okay?" he insisted, his voice cracking under the weight of his frustration. "I just have a good feeling about it."

"I hope this 'good feeling' of yours is right, Bud. Because if anything undesirable comes out of that thing," Cat raised two fingers and a thumb like it was a handgun, made a sound to make it seem like he was cocking it back, then 'fired' at Lister's head.

Lister's face scrunched up, looking as though he had caught a whiff of a rotting space weevil. "You wot?" 

"He does have a point, sir. SNACKY did fail to mention if the person inside was, in fact, a… erm… person." Kryten said carefully, handing Lister a bottle of aftershave.

"What else would it be?" 

"Haven't you been listening to a word I've been saying?!" Cat demanded incredulously. He let out a scoff and shook his head. "Some people…"

"Sir, do you remember the time we found a stasis pod and unwittingly brought a Simulant on board?" 

"Remember?" Lister scoffed. "I still have the bump on me 'ead."

Kryten placed his hands on his hips like the mother hen clucking mechanoid he was. "And Mister Cat suffered a concussion — do you really want to risk that happening again?"

"What risk? It might fix what's wrong with him,"

Cat slid him a look that told him he'd tear him to shreds. It didn't put the fear in Lister, leaving him quaking in his leather boots. He simply grinned at him playfully.

"I'm kidding, man," he said. "Look, it's no-one's fault but your own there. I mean, didn't you see he was down already?"

"Hey! Watch yourself, Bud! You don't see me pointing out your flaws, do you?"

Kryten raised a single cubed finger. "Actually, sir–"

Cat had one hand on his hip while the other pointed a finger at Lister. "No!" he drawled vexedly. "Now if you'll _excuse me_ , I'm going someplace where I'm appreciated." 

"Right yeah," Lister rolled his eyes. "What place is that then? Zed deck, with your supposed 'lady cats', otherwise known as 'Your Hand'?"

"You know, I don't agree with Goal-post Head on a lot of things, but he's right: you can be really nasty sometimes." With that, the Cat left in a huff.

"Cat, man, I'm s–" He heaved a sigh, watching him walk off, staring at him with a hangdog expression. _Can't say anything right…_

Meanwhile, during the time the three of them had been going back and forth, arguing about what they should do, the timer on the resuscitation process began acting strangely: it stopped counting down; it hadn't changed since SNACKY said he had started it, and even then it only went down by one second.

Twenty-three hours, fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds left.


	4. Too Weird For Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Now, from this point on, things get a _little_ bit confusing…" – Arnold Rimmer, Stasis Leak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spent enough time withholding this, either because I felt it was _too_ weird (It's Red Dwarf, why wouldn't it be weird?) or fearing that people would be like "this wouldn't happen". (Again, it's Red Dwarf. Why wouldn't it happen??) So here it is, four months in the making.

Aria and Rimmer came shuffling into the Science Room. She shoved the hologram toward the scanner bed. With widened hazel eyes, Rimmer watched her as she frantically got the scanner up and running.

With a push of a couple of buttons, she switched the scanner to hologram mode. "Get on," she commanded.

His already pale visage grew leached of colour. "What's going on?"

Aria all but lifted him and put him on there herself. "Come on! Up, up, up!"

Taking no further haste, he hopped on to the bed. "Harkness, what's gotten into you?" he asked after he swung his lanky legs on the bed.

" _Me_?! What's gotten into _you_?! _You're_ _a_ _hologram_!"

"Am I really?" he asked, then snorted out a scoff. "How interesting. You know, I suspected, but one could never be too sure."

Aria ignored his sarcasm entirely. When the scanner finally kicked on, she clapped her hands. "Right, okay. Just have to wait," she mumbled to herself aloud. She glanced up at Rimmer. "How are you feeling?"

"Scared," he replied, giving his answer no thought at all. He didn't have to.

"I mean _physically_!"

Out of force of habit, an anxious tongue slipped out to wet his lips. His eyes flicked skyward as he thought for a moment. "Nauseated," he finally told her.

Her chest rose and fell with quickened breaths. "Oh, God, really?"

"Yes, because I'm scared! Tell me what's going on with me!"

"I don't know yet. The scan only just started,"

But like Rimmer, she couldn't stand waiting anymore, so she conducted her own tests in the meantime. She walked up to him and put her hands his pectorals, to which Rimmer objected only barely just before letting out a pained groan.

"Ah-ha! Your pecs!" she exclaimed, pointing at them.

He rubbed his chest, avoiding the tender spots. "What about them?"

"They're sore, right?"

"Well, yes!" His voice clung to the crossbars of his vocal range. "You _did_ just squeeze them. Not to mention your nails scraped against my projection. I told you they were too long."

As she paced up and down she worriedly and repeatedly chanted, "Oh, my God." She said it over and over again, beyond the point where her words no longer made sense.

The scanner beeped. Aria's attention was quickly diverted to it. The results were in; she read what was on the screen, looking at each word and readout attentively. In that instant, her stomach tightened. She broke out in nervous warbles.

Panicked eyes stared at her expectantly. "What? What's wrong with me? Am I going to be okay?" He spoke quicker than a whippet with a jetpack strapped to its back.

Following a sharp inhale, she donned an anxious smile and stared back with wide eyes. With tense, shaky legs, she ambled toward the hologram, then plopped down beside him. She sighed quaveringly. "Okay. I'll tell you, but swear to me you won't freak out."

His face scrunched up ever so slightly. "It's a bit late for that."

" _Arnold!_ " Her chortle had a slight berating undertone to it. "I'm already stressed. Don't make it worse."

"Fine," he soothed. "I won't 'freak out'. Now, will you _please_ tell me what's going on?"

"Okay," she said with another exhale, still hesitant to tell him. She swallowed courage by the glassful, letting the words slip from her mouth. "Somehow — don't ask me how — you seem to be up the spout."

For a second he believed her. Only a second. Then he let out a disparaging chuckle. "Okay, very funny. Now, if you could be serious for a moment—"

"I _am_ being serious! According to the medi-scanner, you're three months along."

At that point, it hit him that she wasn't lying. A panicked expression crossed his face. _Oh_ , _this_ _isn't_ _happening_ , _this_ _isn't_ _happening_ , _this_ _cannot_ _be_ _happening_. It was all that rolled around in his mind. A familiar feeling in his stomach began to bubble; he couldn't tell if it was morning sickness or anxiety.

Finally, he spoke. "Pregnant? How?"

"As I said, I don't know. Could be a glitch in your system or you're actually… You know. Somehow," She motioned to his tummy. "Maybe you're not!" she added, giving him some ray of hope. "I mean, _I_ can't get you– And _you're_ a–"

"Right," He puffed out his cheeks and slowly let an airless sigh leak out of his lips. "Can't you run an ultrasound, just to be sure?"

A perplexed stare scrunched her features and she shrugged. "I guess?" she ventured. Curiously, she took the wand and peered at its buttons and labels. "Is there a setting for holograms on this thing?"

Rimmer took a gander at it as she held it, then pointed at a blue button. "I think it's that one."

She pressed the button and within seconds the wand began whirring. "Ah. That's handy, that." After placing the wand over his abdomen, she told him, "Just hold still."

He gave a nod, then spaced out to an extent while she examined him. Deep in thought, he mused, "This would explain why my emotions have been going haywire lately."

She slid him a dubious look. "Yeah, that's the reason."

"I mean it. One minute I'm happy, the next, I'm in tears over a paint chip I stepped on because I thought it was some sort of bug."

She chuckled. "Well, we'll find out in a minute, won't we?"

A blurred image had shown on the screen. It would take some time for the static to clear up. In the meantime, the two shared quick, awkward glances, unsure of what to say. Only the soft droning of medical equipment and computers filled the silence. As seconds that felt more like minutes passed, the imaged finally cleared.

Her jaw slacked and her eyes went round for a short moment before returning to normal. "Well then!"

"What? Let me see." Careful as to not disturb the image coming in, Rimmer sat up a bit more.

Barely attentive on Rimmer, she said, "According to this, there's no physical mass, but it's there. I'm guessing hard li–"

"Move!" Rimmer stopped her abruptly by shoving her out of the way, causing some medical tools to fall to the floor.

"Alright, calm your tits," She bent over to pick the tools up and set them on a tray to be sanitised later. Then she placed her hand on his shoulder. "What d'you think?"

Closely observing the image on the screen, his nose scrunched up like a Scottish hare. "I think it looks like a monster attacking the Hindenburg."

"Hindenburg with a capital H. Look at this," Aria zoomed in on the image. "It's got a hologram indicator on its forehead!"

Rimmer did a slight double take on her. "Wait, this is the–?"

"What else would it be?" she queried with a titter. "There's also this interesting bit," She then zoomed to another part of the image and traced along something with her finger. "This long hologrammic band here is acting like an umbilical cord. It's feeding into your light bee. It's what's keeping it alive. So to speak"

His hologrammatic heart kicked a ruckus in his chest, mingling fear and excitement in his veins. "So it's powering two holograms at once?"

"Both hard light. Somehow you have actually spawned life. Just simulated."

Rimmer swallowed hard. _Oh_ , _great_.

Aria, however, had a more positive reaction. "My God, this is," She stared at the image, in awe of it. " _bloody_ _spectacular_!"

"Yes, it's fan-smegging-tastic," he quickly said in a sarcastic tone. "but how did it happen? _Why_ did it happen?"

She gave an extensive shrug, holding her arms out. "Maybe, like with the stasis pod arriving, something happened to you in the five months we lost."

Rimmer swallowed hard. "But I'm not ready to be a mum."

"Neither am I," A subtle rise of his eyebrow put a slight giggle in her belly. She put her hand over the top of his and smiled reassuringly at him. "We'll figure it out. Okay? We'll figure this whole thing out."

Hazel eyes scanned her face as if searching for a hint of falsehood. He knew there was a lot to figure out; a big one that stuck in his head was how he'd have it. Naturally, a cesarean would be out of the question — even if it was an option, Rimmer couldn't bear it — and he had no innie bits; at least not in the right place. Still, her promise rang in his mind like bells, reminding him they'd work it out; they always did.

Over time, he felt his eyelids begin to close, and his head felt as though it would roll off his shoulders. He snapped awake and forced himself to stay awake. With a wide yawn, his body decided it had other plans.

Aria raked her fingers through his unmanageable curls as best as she could. "Oh, 'ey. Poor thing. This is probably draining you worse than a polymorph," A half-grin flicked across her face. "Let's get you back to my quarters so you can take a nap, yeah?"

He looked at her with tired eyes and gave a lethargic nod. Sleep sounded more than amazing to him right about then. Especially in her queen size bed; it was much more comfortable than his bunk, with a lot more room for his spindly body to sprawl out like he'd always wanted to but never could.

Still crumpled by exhaustion, Rimmer staggered until Aria helped him by putting his arm around her shoulders to support him. They ambled to her quarters, then to her bed where Rimmer had flopped on to.

With a grunt, she wrenched the covers out from under him. He didn't seem to care; she reckoned he was too exhausted to. After she tucked him in, she handed him his teddy bear, Patton. Rimmer snuggled up with it, looking about as adorable as a little boy with about as much innocence.

She leant in to kiss his forehead, just above his hologram indicator. Heavy eyes fixated on her after she backed away, then he gave her a whisk of a smile before settling in to fall asleep.

Aria stayed with him for a while, watching his chest rise and fall. At that moment she pondered why holograms breathed.

 _I_ _guess_ _if_ _they_ _didn't_ , _people_ _would_ _feel_ _uneasy_.

Then she wished this sweet moment would last. At some point, he would wake up. Thankfully, at least for the time being, he wasn't going to be a giant pain in the arse.

She began to walk out of the room, and just as she reached the door, she looked back at him and smiled. "Goodnight." she softly said to him.

* * *

Moments later, Aria had wandered into the Officer's Quarters, where instantly she was stunned by Lister wearing a suit rather than his leather trousers and jacket, boots and the raggedy top he seemed to wear all the time. The Cat was seated in front of her with his back turned, buffing his nails and paying no attention to the goings-on around him.

"Snazzy." Aria blurted out. She headed straight for the mini kitchen, hoping that she moved fast enough for Lister to miss the obvious smirk on her face.

"Heyy, Lady Bud!" Cat greeted with a smile. "You missed the fashion show."

She turned to face him after closing the fridge door. In one hand was a fruit drink, placed by Kryten in the hopes that Lister would drink it — of course, it hadn't been touched — and the other hand held a can of lager.

Aria smirked at Cat and said, "Oh, I'm sure it was riveting." Then she tossed the lager to Lister.

He caught it, then popped the tab. Foam exploded from the top and dripped onto the floor. Lister outstretched his arms. "You really like it?"

"Oh, yes," she replied with a wink that said to them she was sincere; she was far from it. "Very… astonishing." Far, _far_ from it. Regardless, she was smiling widely at it but for another reason entirely.

Just as Lister set the can down on the table, it finally started to dawn on him. "Ah, you're just being sarcastic again, aren't ya?"

She put her hands behind her back, pretending to be cuffed. "Guilty," She breathed out a snicker. "Seriously though, you do look nice. This is for the new girl, then?"

"Well, it's definitely not for you," he said, voice going up in pitch, almost as if he was taking it as a personal affront. "I'm obviously not your type anyway. Your types the deeply deranged and needy."

Her eyes flicked skyward. "You boys, I swear," she muttered as she shook her head. "You get one woman on this ship then go bananas when she doesn't act even the least bit interested."

Lister took a quick gulp of his beer, wiped the foam from his lips and sat down. "But you were all over Smeg for Brains the instant you showed up," he said, gesturing his lager out the door and toward her quarters. "You didn't even look at me twice."

"You? What about me?" the Cat probed incredulously. "I'm the sexiest guy on this ship! You shoulda been on me like alligator shoes in a Gold Coast trattoria."

Aria blinked slowly a couple of times, staring at them blankly a moment. "Is there a carbon monoxide leak somewhere in this ship?"

"We just," Lister quickly glanced at the Cat to check if he was on the same page. "want to know what it is about us you don't find desirable."

Ordinarily, she wouldn't indulge in this type of conversation; she didn't like comparing people. Last time she compared a sweet female Malmooth with a Silurian who was just as kind and sexy, a full-on, rage-filled jealousy battle between the two broke out.

Although, she wasn't exactly going to ignore their question. She was usually an honest person when it came to moments like these — sometimes brutally — and they wanted to know nonetheless.

"Okay," She cleared her throat before speaking again. "Too self-centred," she said, pointing to Cat, then to Lister. "Too," She eyed Lister up and down for a second. "old for someone my age."

Both of them emitted a sharp, defensive, unintelligible squeak before either of them spoke again.

"Ari, you realise who you're with, don't you? Rimmer is just as bad as he is," Lister pointed to the Cat. "Also, he's _way_ older than I am."

"He's gotten better with that," she drawled and set her folded hands on the table. "And technically he's thirty-one."

After he gulped down a swig of lager, he leaned in a bit and stared intently at her. " _Technically_ , he's _six_ _hundred_ and thirty-one," he pointedly corrected.

Aria's eyebrows quickly lifted, then fell back to their normal position. _Pretty_ _spry_ _for_ _an_ _old_ _man_ , she internally mused, going back in her mind to the three times they had unbelievable, heart-pounding sex.

Immediately, she shut down her arousing thoughts. "Look, call me pretentious if you want, but belching the whole of _Yankee_ _Doodle_ _Dandy_ doesn't exactly get my motor running."

A snort of derision gurgled at the back of his throat. "Oh, and I suppose Hammond organ and brass band music does it for ya?"

She shrugged as she brought her can of juice to her mouth. "It's growing on me." she lied. She still preferred her prog rock, indie, shoegaze and teen pop music.

At that moment, the lights dimmed. None of them gave it much thought; something was always wrong with the ship.

"Where is Goal-post Head, anyhow?" Cat asked with a slight sneer.

"Sleeping. Needed a recharge," she hastened to reply. As she held the can with both hands, she stared at it intently and pondered if she should tell the boys the news. Even then, she didn't know how. Still, she would try. "Dave?"

He responded with a single noise, muffled by the can of lager he held to his lips. "Hmm?"

Nervously, she played with the pull tab on her can as she spoke. "Is there a, erm… A way for holograms to, how shall I put this? 'Reproduce'?"

Bit by bit, he lowered his lager until it was placed on the table once more. He was slightly jarred by the question. "You mean—?" Unable to say the actual word, he mimicked the act by putting one finger from one hand between two from the other, sliding in and out.

"Besides that."

"Erm, not off the top of my head, no." Then something dawned on him. "Hang on, what d'you mean 'besides that'? How else would it happen?"

" _That's_ the part your focusing on?" the Cat wondered. "They're holograms! Why would they reproduce at all?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "Dunno. Projection expansion? I thought maybe they'd," She took the piece of toast that laid untouched off of Lister's plate, and she ripped it in half as a demonstration. " _split_ like cell division, y'know?"

Cat appeared decidedly green. Even a little terrified. The last time he had an image slightly similar to that it took a week to dry the mattress.

In that instant, their hologrammatic friend sluggishly stumbled in, rubbing his eyes and looking as though he were still asleep. Mindlessly, he plopped down in an empty chair at the table.

"Speaking of Alphabet Head…" he mumbled, then grunted at the light slap on the arm he received in response from Aria.

"'Ey," Lister chortled. "What are you doing 'ere? I thought you were sleepin'."

With no response, Rimmer laid his head down on the table and started to fall asleep once more. As he did, the lights in the room seemed to get brighter. Aria and Lister had finally noticed it, but only she knew enough to put two and two together.

Her shoulders dropped with a sigh. "He's still connected to the ship," she thought out loud, disappointed in herself for not remembering.

"What, Rimmer?" He shifted in his seat to face her. "You know he is. Did you forget when he used to go bonkers? We had more blinkin' bulbs on this ship than a Christmas light display."

No more was she just disappointed in herself; she was furious. Her hands tightened into fists. With a turn of her heels, she began to leave to work out a solution; but just as she headed for the door Kryten blocked her way. She stepped to the side and let him inside of the room.

"Ah, I thought you all might be here," Kryten said. "Ma'am, sirs, I have some alarming news."

The lights once again dimmed as Rimmer slowly peeled open his eyes, glaring at Kryten for waking him up.

Lister observed the fixtures on the ceiling. "What the smeg is going on?"

"If this is about my unsightly hair remover shorting out the Drive Room again, I've got nothing to do with it!" the Cat exclaimed unconvincingly.

Aria rolled her eyes as she eased herself down beside Rimmer. Figuring it was no use getting into it with the Cat, she didn't make a comment. Instead, she asked Kryten, "What _is_ this about?"

"Well, I noticed something strange when I went to the stasis booths–"

Scrutinising the mechanoid, Lister then put out a question forward to him. "Why were you at the stasis booths?"

Nervously, Kryten shifted his weight against the floor. He lightly drummed his cubed fingers against his chest plate and struggled to keep his eyes on the scouser. "Er, hourly dust check, sir," he answered, sounding about as believable as a forced confession. He didn't exactly want to admit that he was about to fiddle with the stasis pod that potentially held his girlfriend. "Getting back on track, it seems that the resuscitation process has stopped."

"Was it somehow paused?"

"Not from what I could tell, ma'am, no. I tried to restart the procedure, but nothing happened."

"Nothing to contribute, man?" Lister wondered, playfully smacking Rimmer on his bicep with the back of his hand. "No, 'Damned useless ship standard stasis booths' kind of rant?"

Rimmer shifted in his seat, his eyes staying closed the entire time. "Vanilla sounds fine to me," he muttered unawarely.

While Aria was reaching to hold Rimmer's hand, she realised his wristwatch had stopped as well. _It_ _could_ _just_ _be_ _the_ _battery_ , she thought. There was only one way to check if her theory was correct. Lister looked puzzled as he watched her suddenly stand up and move toward the wall-mounted monitor in the corner of the room.

Kryten was too busy scanning Rimmer to notice her odd behaviour. His neon-blue eyes widened once he saw the findings on the psi-scan. "Oh my, Mister Rimmer's energy level is dangerously low." They opened even further and he gasped when he saw the reason why.

Luckily what Aria was about to say next stopped Kryten from announcing the possible new addition. "It isn't just the RP that's stopped. Look," Aria stated, then gestured to the monitor. "It's everything."

The current time on every clock on the ship was the same as it was two hours ago. Nothing had moved a smegging inch, except for them. The ship, its inner workings, and everything outside of it was at a complete standstill.

"That's about as clear as Monkey Boy's bath water," The Cat gave Kryten a perplexed stare. "Why haven't _we_ stopped?"

"Maybe we're getting close to a white hole?" Lister offered with little confidence in it being the right answer.

Aria shook her head. "None appeared on the radars."

"I'll see what I can find out about this. In the meantime, we should act as if everything is fine, if for no other reason than to keep our heads."

"He's right," Lister said as he rose from his seat. "We don't know what we're going to be dealin' with yet. The last thing we need is us gettin' into a panic. Until Kryten figures it out, everything is normal."

Aria folded her arms. "Lister, we are on a city-sized ship, floating aimlessly through deep space and we have no idea what we're doing or what's going on. This _is_ normal for us."


	5. Mister Mum

With time literally at a standstill, they could only assume that from their rumbling stomachs it was right around noon. In between working out a way to restart time, Kryten made lunch for each of them. Lister was having his special, The Full Lister, Cat was eating a bowl of crispies and milk, Aria was too worried to eat, and Rimmer was working on his seventh bowl of chicken vindaloo with such gusto, you'd think he hadn't eaten in weeks.

"Since when does Grand Canyon Nostrils eat curries?" the Cat wondered while slightly gawking at the hologram.

Kryten leaned in toward Rimmer and asked, "Sir, are you feeling alright?" Even though he knew the hologram had something going on, he wanted to hear it from him.

"You might wanna slow down, man."

"Nah!" Aria drawled, then started talking as if she was gushing over an adorable baby. "Let him stuff his cute face." She then smooched Rimmer on his left cheek, to which he reeled away from without taking a break from eating.

Rimmer reached out across the table, barely lifting himself off the seat, and grabbed a jar of pickles. After opening and hearing the _pop_ of the seal breaking, he bit down on one of the long, tangy pickles; a satisfied moan accompanied the crunch of his teeth piercing the skin, as though he were having an orgasm. Once he swallowed, vinegar temporarily burned his throat and heat rushed to his cheeks.

"You're gonna ruin the curry, man. Give me those." Lister grabbed the jar and got up to put it away in the fridge.

Rimmer's gaping mouth snapped shut just before his lips began quivering. Hologrammatic tears made his eyes shine as he whimpered.

"What's wrong, Non-bud?"

Aria swiftly rose to her feet and swiped the jar of pickles out of Lister's hand, then plonked it back down beside Rimmer's food. Now he was sobbing for another reason: he was grateful.

"What's up with him?" Lister asked, gesturing his hand toward the overemotional hologram.

"According to the psi-scan, it appears that Mister Rimmer is—"

"Uh, Kryten? A word in your ear... speaker... thing, please?" She jerked her head to the Officer's Quarters door.

Kryten waddled after her and stopped beside her. "Is something the matter?"

"You know, don't you?"

"I'm not sure I'm following you, Miss Harkness."

A groan accompanied a roll of her eyes. "Oh, come on. I _know_ you know!"

His eyes narrowed. If he had eyebrows, one would most certainly be raised in confusion. Before he spoke, he slightly tilted his head to one side as if the change of head position would allow him to understand. "What exactly do you know I know, ma'am?"

"I know you know that," Violently, she pointed at Rimmer. "You _know!_ "

"Oh, yes. That. Well, the psi-scan—"

Once more she groaned, frustrated. "Yes, of course, the bloody psi-scan. Damn bloody thing knows bloody everything, doesn't it?" she groused.

"Right down to how many stamps away you are from winning a free sub sandwich, ma'am, yes." Kryten glanced beyond Aria's shoulder, observing Rimmer happily shovelling in food while Lister watched in horror. "I take it nobody else knows."

"Nobody else knows what?" Cat blurted out, now right behind them.

Both Kryten and Aira jumped and let a few choice words slip out. Kryten's words were less obscene than hers, however, still barely being able to say the word 'Smeg' without having a nervous spasm.

"You buds talking about me?"

"No, we—" she paused, suddenly noticing Lister was eyeing them curiously. "Something on your mind, Dave?"

"Oh, just thinkin' of how _not_ subtle y'are. Y'know we can hear ya, don't ya?"

Aria looked around the room, embarrassed after she realised that the room wasn't as big as she remembered. Eventually, her hopeful eyes landed on Rimmer, silently asking him if it was time to fess up. Unfortunately, he didn't offer an equally silent answer; he was too busy filling up on pickles.

"What's going on?"

"Well," she faltered, falling back on Rimmer once again for assurance. This time he gave her the go ahead. "Remember when I asked if holograms could reproduce?"

Lister leaned forward, his fingers laced before him on the tabletop. "Yeah?" He thought about it a moment before something registered in his brain. "Hang about, are you—?"

"What? _No! God_ no," she blurted out, chortling her words. She waved her hands toward Rimmer. "He is."

The scouser scoffed. "Oh, come on. That's even more unbelievable. Tell us what's really going on."

"That _is_ what's really going on!" she insisted just before turning to Rimmer. "You wanna stop eating and help me out here?"

The hologram gave her another single nod. He stood up, straightened his posture, cleared his throat multiple times before he finally spoke. "I'm afraid that," he trailed off, studying Aria with contemplation. He could tell them the big news; he could also stop blaming everyone else for his own failings, but that wasn't going to happen any time soon either. "she's gone space crazy. I say we toss her into one of the padded cells in the brig."

Anger flashed in her eyes. Her head and hands spastically shook as she tried to control her emotions. A forced twitch of her head caused the bones in her neck to emit a loud _crack._ Out of her mouth spilt a long, jangly, livid scream while she shoved him against a wall. She wasn't crazy until then when Rimmer sent her over the edge.

This should have been after this that he learned to never ruffle a Welsh woman's feathers, but it wasn't. He kept poking the bear. "You see? What did I tell you Listy? She's lost it!" he managed to get out in between her strangling him and banging his head against the wall. Luckily for Rimmer, his projection was tougher than vindaloo mutton.

Unluckily for Aria, the same thing that would happen when anyone would violently shake someone who was three months pregnant, prone to morning sickness, and just ate seven and a half helpings of curry, almost a whole jar of pickles — juice included — and a glass of water was about to happen to Rimmer, concussion omitted.

His stomach agitated and grumbled like an off-kilter washing machine, and the moment Rimmer made an odd noise and puffed his cheeks out, Aria immediately stopped. Now she was concerned, even a little scared.

He tried to speak but when he opened his mouth, all that came out was a harsh gag, which was quickly silenced by slapping his own hand over his gob. Then he promptly ran to call Ralph on the porcelain phone, practically knocking Aria over in the process.

When she regained her footing, she eyed Kryten and Lister who were staring quizzically back at her. "What?" she asked, acting about as innocent as a child who was physically seen stuffing their hand in the cookie jar. "He pissed me off, what was I supposed to do?"

"You coulda tried doin' nothin'."

"Nah, he'll be fine," She waved a dismissive hand. "He's a hologram, he can't do that. Can he?"

At that moment, her statement of what holograms couldn't do was refuted when a wet, stomach-churning sound burst into the room. Each of them covered their ears to block out the noise, but to no avail; the retching still penetrated through, even with the door shut. When it finally eased to a full halt, the trio slowly removed their hands.

"You were saying, Lady Bud?" Cat probed with more than a hint of sarcasm to his voice.

Lister released an old man's sigh. "The wonders of hard light, eh Ari?"

"Just as a heads up, sirs, you should expect that quite frequently, but hopefully not for too much longer."

Lister's dark brown eyes regarded the mechanoid in an askance manner. "Kryten, don't tell me you're buying into this smeg. _It_ _can't_ _happen_. He's a hologram — a _male_ hologram."

Aria stood before them with her arms folded. " _You_ got pregnant. You _and_ the Cat." she pointedly stated.

"So?"

"So why can't he?"

Cat slid her a puzzled stare. "If that's the case, why can't Wig Stand Head here be included in the mix?"

She gesticulated her hand toward Kryten. "He's a mechanoid! It wouldn't work!"

"It wouldn't work for Rimmer either, Ari. Trust me, he's not storked," Lister insisted before sipping on his beer milkshake.

She huffed out a frustrated breath, then whipped out the holo-ultrasound image she took earlier and shoved it against Lister's chest. "See for yourself."

Lister's dark brown eyes studied it carefully, brows knitted together. He was so deep in concentration that he didn't notice Cat had moved to stand behind him, peering over his shoulder. That was until he spoke up.

"Hey! Mini Goal-post Head!" he exclaimed, grinning widely.

"You wot? I don't see anythin'."

"Right there, Bud. Next to that wibbly wobbly thing." The Cat pointed to said wibbly wobbly thing and prodded his finger at the distinct H shape in the picture. "You've gotta see that at least."

"See what? It's just–" Eyes flung wide when he finally saw it. "Oh, no way. No smeggin' way."

"Told you," she said with a smirk.

"How the hell this happen?"

Kryten anxiously drummed his cubed rubber figures on his chest plate. "I believe it was around thirteen weeks ago that Miss Harkness and Mister Rimmer were skipping through dimensions, am I correct?"

Aria had to do the math in her head for a moment before answering _. Thirteen weeks_. _I_ _think that's three months_. "Yeah, why?"

"And didn't you do the deed, as it were, when you were in a dimension where Mister Rimmer was human?"

Lister rose to his feet and moved toward the two of them. "Where are you going with this, Krytes?"

"Sir, do you remember that parallel universe you, Mister Cat and Mister Rimmer visited all those years ago?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I managed to gather some data from the Dimension Skipper after Mister Rimmer destroyed it, and despite the files being corrupted, I found something intriguing."

"Which was?"

"From what I could understand, I think that dimension Miss Harkness and Mister Rimmer had paid a visit to was in some way related to that particular universe," Kryten stated. "It might not have been female-oriented, but its physical lore was exactly the same. The pregnancy must have carried over when they returned from the Captain Lister dimension, somehow switching from human to hologram."

Aria held her hands up halfway and composedly began. "Wait, wait. This parallel universe, is it the same one where _women_ got men pregnant?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And, if I'm understanding this correctly, you're saying that when he and I were in a similar universe where we essentially swapped genders, _I_ possibly got _him_ preggers, right?"

"Yes, ma'am," Kryten's voice unit slightly went up in pitch; he was getting nervous.

"Aaaandd, considering that you tested us both for any viruses after we came back, you presumably found out then that he actually _did_ get pregnant, yes?"

Voice going higher still and now officially in panic mode, he replied, "Yes, ma'am."

"I see." For a moment she had all the earmarks of a calm, collected woman, whilst pacing and steepling her hands. Within a few seconds, that moment ended. "Why would you hide that from me?!" she shrieked, horrified.

The three of them flinched and reeled back at the tone of her voice, actually becoming terrified of her.

"In my defence, Miss Harkness, I got caught up with—"

"Three months! Three fuckin' months, you knew! You only had to say three words: _Rimmer_ _–_ _is_ _–_ _pregnant_!" she exclaimed, putting an emphasis on the last part. As the mechanoid grimaced at her and went into shame mode, she pinched the bridge of her nose while she shook her head, beyond furious.

"You know, This makes sense," Cat began, resting his chin on his thumb and index finger. "Think about it; all those times he was really moody."

"Actually, sir," Kryten chuckled before going on. "I suspect that was just normal behaviour,"

"Why didn't you say anythin'?" Lister asked.

The mechanoid scoffed incredulously. "And miss the opportunity to witness him finding out at the most inopportune moment? Not on your rapidly diminishing life, sir," he responded unsympathetically, a Herman Munster chortle bursting out. In a flash, once he clocked Lister's unamused gaze, his air changed. He instantly returned to being conscious-stricken. "Oh, my creator! Sorry, sir, I'm not sure what came over me then. Shame mode..."

The washroom door slid open and out came a frazzled, winded hologram. He sniffed and coughed as worried, attentive eyes bore into him. He paid no mind to them and announced, "If anyone is keeping score, I'm never eating curry or pickles again."

"Yeah, we'll, erm... make a note of it," Lister replied flatly.

Lightly, Aria stoked the hologram's bicep to get how attention. "Arn, I–" Anxious to say, she hesitated. Picking at the strap of her vortex manipulator somewhat helped to get the words out, albeit not by much. "I have some news."

In a weary, monotonous voice, he ventured, "Let me guess, I'm pregnant?"

"Well, yeah, but now I know how it happened."

"Because of my bad smegging luck?"

Cat snuck up from behind her and without any regrets, he chimed in. "Absolutely correctski, Officer Smegski."

She shot him an unmistakable look of indignation. The feline-like being's name was spoken through clenched teeth and had the tone of a scolding mother.

"C'mon man. Leave it." Lister took the Cat by his shoulder and gently moved him away before she knocked his pointy teeth out.

Hazel eyes immediately locked on to Aria's baby blues. "What do you mean 'how'?"

Guilt overcame her. She rubbed the back of her neck and avoided eye contact. She felt terrible for putting him through this. Soon after taking in a sharp breath she told him: "Three months ago, evidently, I... gave you Uptheduffitus."

Cat's countenance appeared as though someone slapped a gigantic question mark on his forehead. "Uptheduffiwhat?" He then gestured to Kryten. "I thought you said Lady Bud knocked him up!"

She inhaled deeply, trying to keep herself impassive, despite her instinctual angry inner-self begging to fly into a raging fury, simply because she couldn't abide stupidity. "There's also that, yeah," she said in an even as a voice as possible.

Irked yet perplexed, he stared intently at her. "I might not know a lot about sex, but I _do_ know that, logically and traditionally, that isn't how reproduction works."

"Given all we have been through today, sir, I think we can consider logic and tradition a thing of the past."

There was a deep set frown on his face; he felt even more confused, if not worried. Just when he was about to speak, Aria did so instead.

"It happened during our last dimension skip. Remember?" She got closer and whispered, "The supply closet?"

When she backed away, the hologram's upper lip slightly twitched prior to his face going blank. He just about believed her but in the end, he was still dubious. "No," he drawled insistently. "that's impossible. I don't have the right..." Rimmer brandished his hands over his pelvic area.

"Apparently, you did there, and _apparently_ , Kryten knew about it this whole time."

Rimmer clamped his once gaping mouth shut but his jaw still went slack. Promptly, he eyed Kryten, pinning him with a darkened stare. "You!" he growled and pointed at him.

The mechanoid let out a nervous titter and craned his head back as though he was trying to hear something. "Wh-what's that, Madge? Are your wheels coming lose again? I'll get right on that now!" Then he spun and fled the room.

"Kryten!"

Lister stopped Rimmer from running after him "Rimmer," he began in a chiding tone. "look, don't blame Kryten. He didn't know how to break it to ya."

"Bud, weren't you listening? He didn't _want_ to break it to him!"

He had just about enough of this nonsense. If he had a baseball bat nearby, he'd start whacking them with gusto. "Oh, piss off, the two of you!"

"It's not all bad, Rimmer. Look at the upside."

"Upside? How can there be an upside, Lister?"

"You get to find out what me and the Cat went through."

Rimmer tightly folded his arms and glowered before donning an undefinable expression. The absurd question of just _how_ he'd go through it had entered his mind again. "Lister had a cesarian, the Cat had polymorph eggs shooting out of his–" Briefly, he winced then gave the three a serious-minded look. "How will I–?"

"Drop a foal?" Lister finished.

Rimmer glared; he really, _really_ wished he had that baseball bat on standby. "That's not exactly the phrase I'd use, but yes."

"Still not sure," Aria replied. "It could be anything from projection division to 'normal' childbirth."

The Cat started grinning mischievously from cheek to cheek. "You mean the kind that involves searing, blinding, agonising white hot pain? _That_ kind of childbirth?"

"Presumably. Either way will be painful."

"I'm loving it already!"

 _Oh, it is painful, isn't it? They both screamed bloody murder when they were giving birth. That's going to be me soon. That smegging Bog Bot knew and he could have done something about it and I could have avoided all of this!_ Rimmer then felt the familiar heart pounding, head buzzing, dizzying sensation of an anxiety attack. He grabbed onto the back of the chair to ground himself — it didn't work.

Aria reached out and took the hologram by his forearms to steady him. "You alright, hun?"

He quickly shook his head 'no', not giving a verbal answer.

"What, morning sickness?"

Rather than speaking, he moaned as if something terrible was happening.

"Labour?!"

Finally, he snapped. "I'm panicking you gim–!" Without warning, he broke out into a hysterical fit; his chest fell and rose with rapid windless breaths.

Softly, Aria shushed him and said, "Try not to. You're in no condition to–"

The hologram spluttered resentfully. "Tell me not to panic!" Then he shouted, "I'm gonna rip Captain U-bend's head off and use it as a bowl for sweets!"

Eventually, the hyperventilating got to him; his eyes crossed temporarily, then fell unconscious and took Aria with him. She let out a startled yelp when she went down, and in hindsight, as she laid with her face sunk into Rimmer's chest, she thought, _I should've let go_.

A strained groan slipped through the Cat's lips while he helped her stand upright. "You alright, Lady Bud?"

"I think so," she replied and dusted herself off. "I'm more worried about him."

After checking the hologram, the scouser rose to his feet with a loud grunt that betrayed his age. "He'll be okay," he managed. "Think it was just a panic attack."

Cat scoffed. "That dude is about as uptight as a thong covered in honey!"

"He'll be fine. He just needs some rest."

" _He_ needs rest? With all this crap going on I haven't had time to get in my main snooze!" Out of nowhere, a smell permeated the Cat's nostrils. It was weird; stinky, even. Cat sniffed over and over again, wandering around the room. It wasn't there. "I smell something."

"Probably just my dirty laundry,"

"Not that!" he snipped as if to say he was stupid for suggesting it. "Something else," He inhaled deeply through his nose and figured out what and where it was. "Come on, Monkey! This way!" he exclaimed, grabbing Lister by the arm and tugging him along with him for the hunt for no other reason than to show off his hunting skills.

"You guys go ahead." she intoned, barely attentive. There was no way she could leave Rimmer, especially in that instant. All she wanted to do was keep an eye on the hologram who now laid there on his back with his tongue sticking out to one side, just like in cartoons.

As she puckered her chapped, dusty rose lips, she brought a finger to them and tapped it on Rimmer's forehead, right above his hologram indicator. She breathed a soft hum which seemed to give off a sense of tranquillity for Rimmer; it left him feeling more relaxed and caused him to utter a low murmur of his own.

She placed her hand on his stomach and tenderly stroked it up and down. "We're going to be a family," she said with a tiny excited simper.

At the back of her mind were voices that said 'Don't believe it', but she wanted to. And believing it made her more than happy. For the first time, she felt whole. Right then and there, she vowed that whenever the baby would come into their world she would love it forever.


End file.
